A Philosophical Contemplation

"If I were the man I wanted to be, I would have dreamed to be the man I currently am."
Johnny Wiseman

It's friday. The clock is showing 1 AM, you're sitting in your chair at home, in front of the PC. You're not tired enough to go to bed yet and having finished all your work-related stuff, you decide to try a world record for xtreme-jumps in CS 1.6.
Within seconds you've chosen a map, which is one of the many records you could beat and by the time your warm-up is finished you're already feeling a bit tense. A few people have joined your server to spectate you. At this moment, they have diceded to spend their time watching you play. They're cheerful and relaxed, just sitting comfortably at home, enjoying the show. The show you're supposed to provide. Right now, you're the host, the entertainer, and everyone knows it. You've been playing this game for years. You've put thousands hours of efforts in order to become this good.
In half an hour of recording, you're starting to feel bored, and you wonder why is that? A moment ago you were really excited about taking this record, about playing the game you love, the game you could even call yourself an expert at, but at the very beginning of this process you just got bored. Why?
You call up your imaginary friend, Johnny, because you would love to hear his opinion on this. He shows up instantly, sitting on a chair beside you.
- You look nervous - says Johnny.
- Yeah, tell me about it. I keep failing like a noob. - is your respons.
After another stupid fail, you're pressing TAB. The people are still there, waiting for you to beat this record. They still have not lost interest, because they know you can do it, and you know it too. But you feel like it's taking too long already, so you begin to fidget.
- Can't you just relax and enjoy? - Johnny asks. - You're doing fine, man. You've been only playing for like what? Half an hour? Besides, this record is tough. Do you honestly expect to beat it so fast?
- Yeah whatever man, I'm just wasting everybody's time.
- That's not true. If it were, they would have quited by now, but they're still here, aren't they?
- Yes, I guess you're right... It's just that... Why I am so bored already, man?
Johnny silently looks at me, with a gentle smile on his face. He takes a few moments, then he begins to talk.
- You're bored, because you're tired of the unsucessful attemps. And you're tired of them, because you feel pressured by Time. It's that simple.
Time, Time, Time. It is everywhere, and it never goes backwards. The irrevocability of time is eating you up. As you are here, playing this game, you count every second, as if there is a deadline to taking this record. You count each second in a tragic way, as if it's a matter of life and death kind of deadline.
You're not a little kid anymore, you're 21 years old and you truly realize how precious time is now. It's like everything you think about is related to time, and numbers in general. You've been trying to beat this map for 35 minutes and it's getting late. You add up unnecessary combos, because taking half a second of this record would not be satisfying. You even count your bhops on some parts, in order to be as fast as possible. You count each attempt and each standup. You've been counting so much that you forgot how to simply have fun.
You count everyone elses time too. You're being lame and everyone specting you will pretty soon get bored. And they will leave, because their time is more important than that, and so is yours.
Beating records for xtreme-jumps nowadays is a routine to you. Kind of an annoying obligation, because you are expected to beat these maps easily. You expect that from yourself as well. Do you remember those times, when KZ used to be an entertainment, before anything else? Do you remember when there were no expectations nor pressure, but only pure fun?
Back then, you existed in a place, a sort of another, KZ based dimension, outside of real time. Time did not exist for you and the only thing that mattered was improving yourself. When you carelessly played all night long, with a bottle of beverage next to you, able to geek a single map for hours, filled with an immeasurable amount of willpower, hoping that maybe, just maybe you could actaully do it. Back then, when you were a nobody in this community and no one expected anything from you. Back then, when most records seemed literally unbeatable and it took you a month to find a map you could take. When each newfound combo on that map made you shiver with excitement, because you knew that that's your ticket to the next release, if only you could do it in run. When you were just an underdog, playing against the odds. There were no guaranteed records, and you knew that every each map you take could be your last one. Back then, you did not record because there were no maps you could beat, and now you don't record because there are so many maps available, that you don't know which to choose. Isn't that funny? Back then, after failing the last jump with a record time, you used to be happy because you were actually so close to beat it. Now, you try unnecessary combos on the last part and fail, just because you feel you should be doing better. Your patience is gone, because you believe it is not worth having it anymore.
Where are those days, you wonder... Those days, when there were no plugins that do everything for you. Where there were no need to count milliseconds, nor a plugin which shows your time at the end. Those days when you actually looked at the timer with excitement and joy, taking a whole second down, sometimes even more, and only the numbers shown on that timer mattered. Those days, when taking records used to make you truly happy and everytime you saw your nick in XJ's release, was a reason to celebrate.
Now, you look at the TOP, which closeness you despise, because it is the representation of the end. This game has become too easy and too hard at once. The better you become, the more you realize how bad you actually are. You look at the perfection, which is so clearly visible in your mind, but which will never take place in reality.
- Where are those days now, Johnny?
- They're long gone, because Time took them away from you, and it won't let you have them again, not here, at least. Now beat this map already, let's get it over with...

Worth reading :D

Sometimes I sit and watch some pro like betty trying to beat a map on our server. When he arrives to the server, nearly everyone goes to spec and he's like the only guy playing (there are always some newbies trying to do the first jump)
He fails, of course, but keeps trying. And then I start to feel the same pressure that you feel, instead of him, thinking about all those people getting bored to watch.
Maybe it's not just me. Let's assume that 30% of the spectators feel the same way.
How would you feel, shnz, if you knew that many of your spectators are actually getting stressed and pressing TAB because they empathize with you?
Nah, you wouldn't feel better, you'd feel even more stressed

Now when you go to geek a map next time, you'll remember this and it will be even harder. Sorry if that's the case, but you need to disable spectators during your runs. It won't help you if I told you everyone actually enjoys watching your fails because that way they'll keep watching their favourite player a bit longer, at least for a run.

As soon as you hit the stop button, euphoria rises, but lasts for a short period. And then you realize it's all over.

Yes, shnz, this may sound weird, but people are not spectating to see you beat the wr, they are spectating to see you play and struggle.
And that's not the important part. The important part is that YOU should not get satisfaction only by beating wr's, but by playing and trying to beat them. Although you've already done that hundreds of times, and lost motivation a bit, try to enjoy the fact you're still not No. 1. LEWLY is. Enjoy the process of BECOMING the new No. 1.

If you feel pressured by your own time, it's just not worth it. What will you get from only beating the wr's?

But if you feel pressured by time of the others, just disable spec :)

Originally posted by CamelCloud

#cringe

u fucking wot m9?

that's some good writing skills, a nice read.

definitely enjoyed reading it, such an inspiration. I hope you are not out of it.

I don't get why you are recording these demos if you are this bored with the game. Also it got really pretentious at times. U should take a break if you're bored with the game, why waste your time playing a game you don't enjoy, if you think time is that 'precious'?

Overall it was a good read, I can relate to some of the things, and I did not think it was "#cringe" like some others ;)